When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
— Eric Hoffer (via livejamie)
I’ve only just realized how short life really is.
I just realized and I feel like a complete and total idiot. There are so many things I want to do and so many places that I want to go and so many people I won’t have the opportunity to meet. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to cry because I know that there are an infinite amount of possibilities and I want to try them all. But I can’t.
And honestly, I don’t think its the lack of time we have been given here. Well, I do think that it plays a very big role, but I don’t think it is to blame. I am. Or maybe fear is. Or even better, my fear of making the wrong choice. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m so afraid of who I am. I’m sorry I’m afraid of being wrong. I’m sorry I’m afraid of not being perfect. And I’m sorry for only just realizing this. I’m so sorry that I’m afraid of life. I’m sorry for all of the time that I’ve wasted. I’m sorry for all of the broken promises.
I have so many regrets. I wish I could go back and fix the mistakes that I have made. I wish I could say goodbye to the people who are gone. I wish I could say what I meant. I wish I had had the courage to say “Hello” just once. Because I know that it would have meant the world to them. And it sure as hell would have meant the world to me, too. I have so many regrets. But I know that I won’t make those mistakes again.
I want to make just one more promise. Just one more promise that will be the start to all other promises. I promise to be who I want to be. I promise to do what I want to do. I promise to live like there’s tomorrow. I promise.
Because life is too short to have any more regrets. I want to fill my life with memories that are worth sharing. And now, I will.
Be Infinite.
Posted December 11, 2011 at 10:29pm
View high resolution
Yeah. So I know I said that this will be a “words only” blog, but you know what? I’m not in the mood. So here’s a picture that I feel represents a little bit of me.
(via john-a-zoidberg)
Posted December 7, 2011 at 11:12pm
People suck sometimes…
Just like… What the fuck? I’ve never been able to understand some of the stupid shit people do. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. Someone just needs to explain people to me because they annoy me to the point of insanity. I want to find out why people do the things they do. Honestly, I’m curious how people work. I just hate them most of the time, so it seems kind of hypocritical. But I’m still interested. I want to understand them so that I can understand why I hate them so much. Understand? No, probably not. I’m not even sure what I said just now. Fuck it. Who cares, right? Exactly. This will probably be the shortest post I’ll ever make on this particular blog. But, you know what? I don’t give a flying fuck. So fuck you all very much.
Much love,
Megan
Posted December 7, 2011 at 11:10pm
Sometimes… I forget that I’m not normal.
I just had one of those moments. You know, when you finish a really good book and you just feel sort of empty? But, at the same time, you feel really complete, like you’ve actually accomplished something for once. I don’t know. I’ve just been having one of those days.
I’ve been feeling really lonely. For the first time in my life, my family wasn’t together to celebrate Thanksgiving. And now I feel really broken. If I were writing with pen and paper, there would be some smudged ink, because I can’t stop crying. I know that its silly and I know that there are lots of people out there who are alone on Thanksgiving every day. That makes me sad too. My brother got sick two days before Thanksgiving. It was sort of surreal. I didn’t know what to do. I mean, for the first time in a long time, I remembered.
I remembered that I’m not just a normal teenage girl trying to deal with normal teenage girl problems. And then I felt weird. Like I was empty. Really empty. Because something had changed. Like the pattern was broken or something. And I didn’t know what to do because it just wasn’t normal and I couldn’t do anything because there was no one to do anything with or say anything to because there was just no one.
I hate that. I didn’t realize it but I guess Thanksgiving really was a special day for me. Because its always been consistent and things have always happened no matter what. But somehow, somewhere, an atom gave way and the whole infrastructure just came tumbling down. I just feel so lost.
I don’t think I’ve every really appreciated Thanksgiving for what it is. To me, its always been a day for stuffing myself with delicious food made by my family and our friends. But its never really been something that I’d been a huge part of. But this year, for once, I was going to be a part of it. I was going to cook and clean and talk and just be. But it never happened. I was so fucking ready for it and now its gone and I am alone and sad and tired and done. I just wish that I could have done something with my day.
It was nice. Just sitting and reading and listening and watching and sipping and crunching and laughing and crying. But it just felt like it was such a waste. Like nothing mattered. Like something was about to fall, to break, to end. I hate that. It was wrong.
And then I remember.
Posted November 25, 2011 at 12:43am in depressing sad angry alone lonely crying I don't know Thanksgiving ready food normal broken book wallflower remember right wrong lost fall break end I just had one of those moments
Today. Day 1.
I’ve decided to write a blog. Just words. No pictures. I’m not really sure when this idea came to me, but I guess I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. I just want some place where I can write what I’m feeling without being judged. I don’t really care if anyone reads this or not. I just want to write. I just want to be myself.
I am tired. I am tired of so many things right now. It just seems like the whole world is out to get me. I can’t seem to do anything right nowadays. I wish I could. Honest. It just seems like I keep screwing up. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about how I’m feeling in the past couple of weeks. I think I just need somewhere to vent. Today, I watched the movie “50/50”. It meant a lot to me. I feel like they really captured the essence of what it means to live with cancer. My younger brother has cancer. At first, I was afraid to see it. I was scared that if I did, I’d see some twisted Hollywood perception of what my life should be like. Instead, I saw something that seemed very real, minus all of the crude jokes thrown in here and there. Either way, I still loved it. It made me cry and laugh and I felt a real connection. I learned something. I don’t know what it is, but I know I did. I can feel it.
I feel old. I feel like an old soul. And now I’m thinking about being old and growing up and what that means and now I’m scared. Because I don’t think I’m ready yet. I know I’m not ready yet. But the world says that I am and I’m not and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m afraid to grow up. I know it sounds childish but its the truth. I’m afraid of growing up and growing old and I’m afraid of dying. I’m afraid of death. I know this is a pretty common fear but I only really notice it at certain times. This movie triggered that in me. So now I’m scared again. And I feel like I’m going to cry. And I think that would be good because sometimes crying is the best solution. I always feel better after I cry. I think its because it reminds me of that moment after it rains. Where the air smells crisp and fresh and maybe just a little bit like wet asphalt. But, honestly, I kind of like that smell. Its sharp and strong, like it usually isn’t. I like that. And the sky is blue. The bluest blue that I’ve ever seen. And the sky looks so huge that I could probably drown in it if I stared at it too much. And the sound. The way the world sounds is different. Not in the sense that it sounds different but more like it feels different in my ears and in my mind. I like that sound.
I think I’ll stop for today. I feel much better now. I’m glad I could write about this. I always feel better after I write. Thank you.
Posted November 13, 2011 at 4:10am in writing sad happy laugh cry rain sky blue asphalt sound 50/50 death words alone different
